Fanning my fat fold & Learning to Love myself
It has been the most pivotal two weeks of my life.
For most of my young adult life I had been experiencing very irregular menstrual cycles that began to worsen over time. I had headaches and other pains that came and went, nothing to worry about… however, on top of these physical ailments, I was dangerously depressed.
My feeling of worthlessness sprouted when I faced bullying as a preteen, from then it was a constant theme , normal, numb, I-don’t-care-ness. Admitted, I was very good at pretending that I, mostly, had it under control. I didn’t know how dangerously unhealthy I was, until I woke up from a surgery and was given a metastatic ovarian cancer diagnosis. I was nearly successful in committing a slow suicide.
I was very unhealthy- mind and body. I was stuck in a very strong negative perspective of myself. With an inner dialogue of being weak and undeserving. I was addicted to not giving a shit, therefore, I poisoned my body with drugs, alcohol and terrible foods. Took all of my support and love and set it on a shelf to shrivel up like my neglected house plants. I was unable to comprehend that I could love myself and be loved.
We see “LOVE YOURSELF” memes and quotes on our socials all the time.. no one realizes how important it actually is do that work in our everyday lives. Loving ourselves is literally the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.
Well guys, it may come as a shock, but I consider myself very lucky!
In a way, i was given me a second chance. I got a universal slap in the face. It slapped me so hard, it shifted my perspective. I was forced to look at things from a new reality. The reality that mortality is real, life is ephemeral and that my priorities weren’t necessarily mine.
My diagnosis flipped a switch in my head. I see now, I am very much loved, cared for and needed by my family and friends. And I loved and need them! and I no longer want to hurt them with my depression. I saw my life differently, my family differently. I was raised by some very strong people. People who taught me that if something didn’t feel good or if I had a problem, to both; not spend time worrying about it and to find a solution- instead of staying in a state of despair.
“If you can’t change it, don’t spend time worrying about it, But! if you can, lets find that solution and start now!”
Similar to the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
I cannot regret who I was and what I did, because I would not be able to fully learn this lesson and have the opportunity to change… and most of all to share my experience with others.
So, here I am, on my mother and step-dad’s beautiful and cozy leather couch with my dog snoring between my legs. The pain is not so bad today. I have a timer set to remind me to take my blood thinners and to get up and stretch and to drink water. I lovingly fan the stapled- 8 inch incision from my surgery, where my belly fat folds over so it heals dry and clean. I have flowers around me reminding me that I am loved and cared about.
I am resourceful and strong, today I am unafraid, today is a good day.
I have everything I need. Learning self love, Learning self discipline- because, ultimately, it is based in love. Learning lessons, as they come.
Louise L. Hay teaches forgiveness in order to heal. When I think about it, the most important person I need to forgive is myself. Hug my inner child and speak sweetly to her.
